Impenetrable

i have a real hard time writing anything worthwhile. I think that's because to write something people will actually be interested in you really have to open yourself up, and i'll be da**ed if i'm gonna do that (i had to asteriskify that word because i gave up swearing, among other things, for Lent). When i was around 12 i realized that life was probably about to get a bunch scarier; i had heard a lot about those crazy teenage years and wanted no part of it. So what i did was box up my brain nice and tight with only me, my family, and God inside, and decided people could get as close as they wanted to me but they weren't gonna get at anything important. I vividly remember doing this, i was just laying in bed one night and went about preparing to be invincible. My idea was that as the possessor of a human mind, something so vast and mighty and onmipotent as consciousness, i really didn't need anything else to be myself. Whatever happened at school or.. well ok school was about all there was.. was sometimes beneficial, sometimes amusing, but could never be detrimental because i was solid and could choose not to be bothered by it, because they couldn't take anything away from me. My top priority was to not let any of my mind open to the public domain. It was mine.
For a long time that was fine, my clever little trick was to just reflect what i saw from other people or better yet to observe other people, mix up bits of what i saw, and send it out again in what was indeed a unique personality, but still not really mine. It was ingenious, people were perfectly happy knowing who they thought i was and i just sat back and chuckled, observing and learning. And yes, that really did start when i was just a little 12 year-old.
Now there's a problem. Apparently people got smarter and my mishmash of reflections isn't enough for them to accept me Anymore, especially girls and teachers. Girls aren't really a problem, they'll just ignore me if i don't show them anything special, but i can't get away with keeping myself to myself in school anymore. Now i really have to let out pieces of how i'm thinking to get good grades, and that makes me awfully uncomfortable. Another little trick i picked up over the years of self-inflicted exile was to fend off the more inquisitive unique-seekers with humor, it's easy to come up with some funny essay or to inject conversations with unexpected jokes because i spent the last six years observing people and i know what generally makes them laugh. When people laugh they feel more at ease, and tend to relax and enjoy the moment and not think about stuff. I'm safe, i win again.
I guess most of this is just so people don't get mad at me for not posting very often. I don't want to give out anything good, and then i have this seperate but equally lovely mental block about letting anyone read something of mine that i don't think is absolutely perfect. I might have been able to go more in-depth with all this but i started listening to music and can't concentrate