Why I Never Get My Homework Done

Oh wait, poker's on TV, and then professional pool after that. I'll finish this post later i have plenty of time

When i started this one i didn't have a subject in mind.

so here i shall sit untill something crosses my mind.


Cross the mind in the religious respect? Cross it like a T, put the finishing touches on it? Wander across it like a leaf on a breeze...

No way, thoughts fly around like gas molecules, they zoom at tremendous speeds until they find a hole and WHOOSH! out they go to Heaven knows what fate, facing astronomical odds at every finding their way back.
I imagine more thoughts go through than we're ever conscious of, it's only when they spark that we take notice. Today i was chipping ice so i could dig out the car that would ultimately fail to function for me, and a piece of said ice flew up and hit me in the eye. Aha, but mine eyelids were closed upon the moment of contact, leaving their tender ocular charges unscathed by the impending blunt trauma. I most definitely did not see the ice coming. I chipped, then instantly felt ice against eyelid. This suggest that my body sensed something coming and reacted to it, leaving me completely out of the loop. What else do we see that we remain uninformed of? Are our bodies actually just protectors of our minds, only letting through what they think we can handle? Maybe our fleshy guardians spend the day locating and warding off demons, fighting them with weapons we don't even realize we have. Let's say that the way to destroy an agent of the Devil is to blast it with a unit of Light, which come in various gauges. A little greed-bird zooms in for the attack, but is blasted into oblivion when our body/gaurd picks it off with a willpower round, and our simple clueless mind turns in the wallet to the police and goes about it's routine business.
Perhaps it's more symbiotic than that. Maybe our bodies will fight off all the situation-cloaked devils, but only if we keep it well-stocked with lovey-dovey ammunition. Good things are generally reciprocal, they earn you good karma points that your other half uses to buy ammo. If you save a kitty from being run over by a bus, you earn X number of bullets with which to ward off the cruelty-urge demons that might take a shot at you later that day. Wow, that's a real big incentive to be nice to everyone, love everything, basically carry on like a saint as much as you can. Because if you don't, if you're mean and cruel and greedy and rotten the ghosts and deviltroops will have free reign to siege your mind and corrupt you completely. It's a real downward spiral, and very difficult to reverse.
I guess that's why we have God on our side, God the Blackhawk helicopter that drops off vital supplies when you need them most, all you need do is make use of them. We can load up on armaments and then head out on our own and the great thing is that when you get a head start in fighting them off, they have no effect on you and can't stop you from being naturally good and earning more and more all the time and you're invincible! hooray! So not suprisingly, the only thing we really have to worry about is laziness. We're can get through this world, body, but then sorry i gotta go after that.


Hey i don't like that. If (and i hope this is true) i go to Heaven, what happens to my body? The Bible says i get a new one, a friggen super one that's dead sexy and perfect, but that seems like a pretty raw deal for my old body. It's the one that had my back, or rather, it's back.. whoo how does that work... the whole time i was on Earth, doesn't seem too fair for it to get thrown underground forever after that whilst i enjoy Paradise.
Or MAYBE my body's thinking the same thing right now. "Aww... after all these decades together i get to go to Heaven and get a great new hyperintelligent mind and this one just vanishes out of me? I don't think, no wait, it doesn't think.. wow that's confusing.. that that's very fair at all!"
I bet dear old intangible background thirdparty Soul is saying "wow, them's idiots. They get to poof into yummy delicious stress-free oblivion while I go to Heaven with a new one of each" and that jsut makes more sense to me, now that Mind thinks about it.

I must never forget that spring is always on it's way.

Heck, at the rate the planet's going we may end up with spring from September to May instead of the oft-hellish winters we have now. (Don't get me wrong, i love a nice violent winter, i love pitting man against nature provided the representatives of "man" involved are prepared for it. I'm going to abandon that poor paranthesi.. there's only one, what do you call that.. watev, this is the post now. Whenever there's a terrible power-outing tree-conquering storm i get excited, i like to rush outside and see what game Nature's bringin' and if she can back that $#!t up. I'm so ghetto. Not the Jewish way, i mean the wrong way.
I always thought it would be cool to be in the National Gaurd when they get deployed to clear roads, stop floods, dig out cities, fight aliens and all that. Ooh i can't pinpoint why but i get the chills just thinking about the Labor Day storm we had a few years ago and how much fun i thought it was to hack through logs that had fallen across the road so we could get to my grandma's house. Maybe it's jsut the thought of battling something so much more vast than anything we do normally, and actually having a shot at winning. We all know that Nature could absolutely destroy us all if she were so inclined, but when she just drops a little blockage here and some impending mudslide there we can do something about it, and i like that feeling of accomplishiment. Well, i imagine there's a bit of the innate caveman "Obstacle! Break it!" involved too, but how can we deny that and stay human.

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sorry

I got a little carried away in my last post with the admiration i have for what Earth has been through. Obviously i do care about the environment, we may not be able to hurt the planet at all, but do risk losing everything we think is pretty, and that's not cool.















I'm already forgetting what it was like to be in high school, and that rips me in half

Hmm.

I found a flaw with my last post. I went on and on about how i fend everything off with my brain and nothing really gets in, but there's a crack in the fortress. I contemplated the whole idea further and realized it's only people i defend against. It occured to me that music has free riegn in my brain-brain, it stomps around and plays with chemicals and has a jolly old time. So i went to begin this rectifying post and thought to m'self gosh, music isn't even the only one. All the political nonsense, natural disasters, people being evil, bad luck, disease, stress, everything that causes displeasure in the world found all sorts of room in my head: could this be because there's no people in there? By leaving people out did i make all sorts of room for crappiness? That's disconcerting. 12 year olds are idiots, how didn't i see that one coming. Oh that's right, as a little kid you haven't quite learned to be pessimistic and paranoid yet so badness rarely occurs to you unless you can see it. Or taste it, kids eat weird things.
So anyway team, what should i do? I wonder if i can squish it outof my brain and be cool again. Eh. I don't think i could do that, but it would be awesome if i could. Did you know i really don't care that much about the environment? Maybe i'm being too practical, but i think the idea of us "harmin Mother Nature" is incredibly egocentric and comparable to a tick worrying about.. something very silly. I shall let Aesop speak for me. He wrote a fable about a fly who landed on a rhino, got all settled, and then called out to the rhino "I apologize if i'm inconveniencing you too much" and the rhino said "Actually, i didn't even know you were there" and then the moral that went along with the fable was "The smaller the mind, the greater the conciet." How do i remember this fable from my little kid days, you ask? I was fascinated that the genius Aesop had managed to comprise an entire, coherent sentence in which every other word was "the". 'Mazing. Seriously, a planet over five billion years old, a mighty celestial object formed by the implosion of a dust cloud and undergoing cataclysmic geological changes until it cooled a bit and "settled down" into a fiery mass of inconceivable energy frosted with a bit of dirt on which trees grow and water flows is not going to be bothered by a few humans playing around with chemicals that already exist. The Gods of Tense and Punctuation started crying when i wrote that sentence. The Earth doesn't give a d*mn about what we do, we could unleash every single nuclear atomic Hellfest we possess all at once, and it would be nothing compared to the Gas-Clouded Volcanic Upraising of Death the world was under for so many millions of years before us. What happens if we destroy all life on earth? A few organic molecules are rearranged, oh well.

Impenetrable

i have a real hard time writing anything worthwhile. I think that's because to write something people will actually be interested in you really have to open yourself up, and i'll be da**ed if i'm gonna do that (i had to asteriskify that word because i gave up swearing, among other things, for Lent). When i was around 12 i realized that life was probably about to get a bunch scarier; i had heard a lot about those crazy teenage years and wanted no part of it. So what i did was box up my brain nice and tight with only me, my family, and God inside, and decided people could get as close as they wanted to me but they weren't gonna get at anything important. I vividly remember doing this, i was just laying in bed one night and went about preparing to be invincible. My idea was that as the possessor of a human mind, something so vast and mighty and onmipotent as consciousness, i really didn't need anything else to be myself. Whatever happened at school or.. well ok school was about all there was.. was sometimes beneficial, sometimes amusing, but could never be detrimental because i was solid and could choose not to be bothered by it, because they couldn't take anything away from me. My top priority was to not let any of my mind open to the public domain. It was mine.
For a long time that was fine, my clever little trick was to just reflect what i saw from other people or better yet to observe other people, mix up bits of what i saw, and send it out again in what was indeed a unique personality, but still not really mine. It was ingenious, people were perfectly happy knowing who they thought i was and i just sat back and chuckled, observing and learning. And yes, that really did start when i was just a little 12 year-old.
Now there's a problem. Apparently people got smarter and my mishmash of reflections isn't enough for them to accept me Anymore, especially girls and teachers. Girls aren't really a problem, they'll just ignore me if i don't show them anything special, but i can't get away with keeping myself to myself in school anymore. Now i really have to let out pieces of how i'm thinking to get good grades, and that makes me awfully uncomfortable. Another little trick i picked up over the years of self-inflicted exile was to fend off the more inquisitive unique-seekers with humor, it's easy to come up with some funny essay or to inject conversations with unexpected jokes because i spent the last six years observing people and i know what generally makes them laugh. When people laugh they feel more at ease, and tend to relax and enjoy the moment and not think about stuff. I'm safe, i win again.
I guess most of this is just so people don't get mad at me for not posting very often. I don't want to give out anything good, and then i have this seperate but equally lovely mental block about letting anyone read something of mine that i don't think is absolutely perfect. I might have been able to go more in-depth with all this but i started listening to music and can't concentrate

"Tirgrathior" is Gaelic for "patriot". I love both of my countries.

Wow i can't wait for the punk show. Zac and i are gonna skip class and drive to Philly and watch some crazy punk peoples screaming and crying onstage and hang out with a thousand kids we don't know and either try to drive back at 4 in the morning or sleep in the car somewhere and come back the next day. Awesome. It'll be great to just take off an not be in school and hang out with my friends (..or just friend, if we can't find anyone else) good times.

Right.

K i changed my mind. Only people who really really know me can comment. So that's like.. four people maybe. Oh yeah and janine can cuz she's the teacherlady.

Atlas or bust

Tonight i saw a special on TV that said most psychological disorders appear between the ages of 18 and 25, that suicide is the second leading cause of death among youths, and that 1,100 college kids kill themselves every year. That shook me a little, but wasn't entirely unexpected. They kept talking about what a shock it was whenever X kid with the seemingly perfect life would want to end it, why on earth wouldn't they just seek help and try to get through it? Was the pressure of maintaining good grades getting to be too much? Was... oh wait no that was the only thing they mentioned that could be the cause of college depression. As a routine visitor to that condition i thought about what other reasons for that could be, and when i think about them i can see why so many kids decide not to deal with it. The grownups nowadays put the weight of the world on the shoulders of the up and coming, and then jump up and down on it and expect us to handle it. They go on and on about the country being divided, the terrible state of the government and world stability, the environment falling apart, how much we're going to have to pay to keep senior citizens supported.. and then four seconds later they smile and say we're the future leaders of the world, how we're the most educated generation ever, how we'll change the world. Well dammit, thanks a ton. We exist not to live, but to fix? The world went to shit and we get to be a generation of rebuilders when we didn't even get to enjoy whatever carelessness led it there? The whole world seems to be so close to falling off the edge into God knows whatever chaotic apocalypse The Unforseen holds, so it appears that if one more person fails to be Superman the camel's back will snap and we'll all be royally fucked beyond imagination. Don't mess up, you need to fix the planet. There will be nothing to enjoy if you don't clean this place up yet. There will be nothing to enjoy. Pay your taxes, deal with loss, feed your family, work too hard, pass this class, get a job, GET A JOB, there will be nothing to enjoy. I forgot to mention that this fixing of the planet is hardly our only task, we have to do everything that goes along with being a human already. We have to do what our parents did in finding a steady job that provides for your kids even if you don't love it, and then on top of that somehow magically reverse corporate globalization, low wages, deforestation, stop using oil, stop wanting anything.. and we don't get a hint how we're supposed to grow into Atlas.
All of this must run through the Suicidals' heads, and of course contend with and multiply the worries of fitting in, getting schoolwork done, handling a social life and love life, dealing with drugs and alcohol and hate and prejudice and hormones and everything.. wow it's overwhelming. And really it doesn't take all that much to get rid of all the pressure, one quickie bullet to the head and poof jsut like that no one expects anything of you and you don't need anything at all. I kinda think that's why a lot of people must drink.. they say screw it all and as they sprint through the escape hatch they run headlong into the brick wall of reality that doesn't let anyone out that easily. But what happens after a single bullet blows the world away? Do these people think that after that it's over? Humans are immortal beings. They do not die. Consciousness is like matter and energy, it cannot be undone, but unlike them it cannot be transformed into anything else. People will either go to Heaven or Hell, but either way they're there forever (and not in the hyberbolic sense that it's a very long time, it's For the complete and unending duration of Ever). That makes you think; compared to Eternity, the number of years spent on Earth is a negligable speck that carries an infinite amount of importance. If you blow it, that immeasurably small flash of time could leave you in an abyss of misery the time span of which leaves the words "untill", "remaining", "time", ect. without meaning. The path you take betwen the moments of your birth and death form a line that extends into Eternity, determining whether you will exist in compounding pain or ever-increasing joy. That puts a whole lot at stake. Being utterly without compassion or living for your own good with disregard for others puts you on a negative cline, and being even just below the horizontal means You Will Endure Everything That Is Bad. Imagine for a second how terrible Hell must be. Be creative, don't hold back, picture the absolute worst that legions of bitter and jealous fallen angels could possibly put you through, and then try to place that somewhere on the graph of being (where anything above X=0 is good and anything below is bad). No matter how far down you score that scenario, a negative existence line, because it has been given an infinite domain, will not only eventually reach that point but surpass it infinitely. Give it a few billion It-Doesn't-Matter-Because-Trying-To-Find-A-Unit-Of-Eternity-Is-Pointlesses, and you'll be so far beyond the hell you envisioned that you'll pray to the God you ignored to be back at that point.

I really could go on for a long long time about this and things like it, i need to put it somewhere other than a blog.

I think, Janine, that i could write a book about this. I think, Janine, that that would be a very adequate independent study project. Let's meet about it.

this is a clip of a conversation i had in AIM when someone asked me why (again) i'm against drinking so much. i typed this really fast and there are a bunch of spots where i wish i had worded things differently, but i didn't edit it at all for this post. Let's hope it's interesting.

to me drinking is one of the millions of ways people sissy out and give up. Ooh, a cheap easy way to not think for a while, and everyone else does it so bang there's a great way to avoid thought AND be accepted without actually having to work at all! hooray! alcohol, drugss, even things like trends and, more and more, politics... people just give in to whatever thought process they want so that they can avoid really looking into themselves and finding out what tehy actually think. They throw their lots in with some predetermined mindset and and ITS OKAY No one gives a shit that mob mentality still results in chaos and disorder, people won't go through the work (and yes it is work) to process everything they hear, go through the hopelessness and depression that invariably comes through an observation of the world, and end up a better, more wise person for it. Posers. I hate them. Everyone is a poser. The very very few people i truly honestly like are the ones i can tell deal with the harsh reality of the world and don't allow drugs or booze or anything alter their perspective in exchange for the quick buzz you get from a little extra dopamine or the feeling you get when lots of people agree with you. I told you once, when you were sleeping over here, that Irish people are only not miserable when they're drunk or fighting something, and me, i fight all the evil i can find in the world. I'm in the extreme minority with almost everything i believe in here, no drinking, no smoking, no sex before marriage, no homosexuality, being closer to republican than democrat, and every day i all i hear is, well hell you're a college kid you know how everyone else here thinks. And i love that i'm not like them, i love it just because i fight them and acn't all the time come up with a good reason why, i love fighting i love the struggle, it makes me know i'm alive and maybe special. And that feeling is just quadrupled when i reflect on how the things i fight for are RIGHT, that they are indeed the correct chioces, so saith my religion, and i will not allow any of the other side's ideas to poison me. I won't. Sure maybe i'm missing a few interesting viewpoints, but all in all i'm sure my way is the right one and i'll figure out all the important things along the way. I can't possibly go wrong if i'm not getting negative signs from God, and i let Him influence me an infinite amount more than any filthy human, including myself and my own urges. You're damn right i want to drink sometimes, want to get high and cheer for the Red Sox and hate Bush (even thought that conflicts with my beliefs) and have everything be easy and let the world go to hell without doing a thing to change it. But fuck evertying i'm not listening. I'm set. My way may leave me miserable with a chance of happy once in a big while, but at least i can be sure i'm right.

come on peoples

k i'm going to make it a law now that everytime someone reads a post they HAVE to leave a comment, so as to boost my ego and make me post more. I'm not saying you have to say nice things in the comment, but if there are lots of them i'll know people are reading and i'll keep coughin' up interestings. Oh right and i'll enforce this law by doling out one unit of bad karma for every commentless visit. That amounts to about two stubbed toes, or a misplacement of keys.

floating

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i much prefer letting bands think for me when i can afford it.. laaa just drifting around rocking back and forth soaring up and down bouncing all over depending on the song, trying to type at such a rate so that keystorkes equal beats in the drumming.. that explains the first line by the way. Damn it's really difficult to think in blog-compatible format right now.. i'm following the strains of Boxcar Racer; thinking and feeling just as validly as if i were voicing thoughts, but doing so in a way that is emphasized by crescendos instead of punctuation, becomes more passionate with changes of tempo rather than stronger language.. i think it works just as well. MAybe that's why music is so calming, people listen to it and talk through all their problems without any of the roadblocks of a limited vocabulary or worrying about syntax. It flows more easily... it's like pouring out all your thoughts to your best friend and you don't even know it because you haven't been taught to recognize this language as much. I love this.. it makes posting much easier although i'm not really saying anything. Yes i'm keeping all the thits of the keyboard in time with the song which means i'm improving and not really planning what to say before i say it resulting in drivel for the most part. hiotting periods or commas seem to slow the flow of my typing even though it's not really, just the flow of your reading. Ha, since you have to slow down when i hit commas and i don't, i might be way ahead of you by now. Maybe i'm done typing and you're still way up there. Such power. Another thing, have you ever slept over at someone's house or just fallen asleep within sight of someone? You don't notice being asleep really, you go from trying to fall asleep to waking up. And i wonder, is someone who fell asleep before me already into tomorrow? Are they eating breakfast while i'm here trying to wind down? Dammit i'm so behind! Gotta catch up! Well hell i'd fall asleep a lot easier if i didn't wonder what that person was doing right now. Look at you and your smug little sleep-grin. Think you're better than me just because you're ahead of me in time, well i hope the house cathces fire and you almost ger hurt while you're over there in tomorrow and i'm safely on this side of not there yet. Take that, punk.
This is fantastic, i'm at a sort of halfway point between English and Mental and everything is flowing nicely, my gosh this is like flying. In the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Maestro Adams writes that the ability to fly is less of a skill than a knack, and what you must do is throw yourself at the ground fully expecting to zoom away, and then get distracted just before your collision. Thus, you miss the ground and soar. When i post i need to type with the intention that it will be marvellous and i will have to concentrate all my thought into maintaining the high standards of eloquence i expect of a work i'm satisfied with, and then turn on some music and distract myself. I used to find it much easier to do math homework while listening to Godsmack, and i'd do English papers to System of a Down. I have a feeling the very angry creepy screaming psychosis of S.O.A.D. infused a bit more of an edge into those english papers, which would be mistaken for a higher level of passion by the teacher grading it. I'd get better scores that way. Out.